


The Long Way Home

by Chubbygaygal



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Amputee Bucky Barnes, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexual Peggy Carter, Bisexual Steve Rogers, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Non-Serum Steve Rogers/Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes | Shrinkyclinks, Past Relationship(s), Pre-Serum Steve Rogers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-31
Updated: 2018-10-31
Packaged: 2019-08-11 13:28:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16476449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chubbygaygal/pseuds/Chubbygaygal
Summary: "All roads lead to youI thought I could forget but it's no useYour memory is there wherever I go whatever I doAll roads lead to you..." Steve WarinerThe thing was… The thing was that Bucky was just dumb and insecure and couldn’t do it anymore.He felt like he was falling apart, piece by piece.“Why are you doing this?” Steve cried. Bucky couldn’t look him in the eye. He didn’t want to. Not really. He loved the man before him. Steve was his person. His whole life.But he was falling apart and couldn’t take his Stevie down with him.OrI couldn't think of a proper summary so I googled an appropriate song and used it instead.





	The Long Way Home

**The Long Way Home**

  


**Beginning**

  


He stood there, breaking both their hearts, but somehow unwilling to do anything about it.

The thing was… The thing was that Bucky was just dumb and insecure and couldn’t do it anymore.

He felt like he was falling apart, piece by piece.

“Why are you doing this?” Steve cried. Bucky couldn’t look him in the eye. He didn’t want to. Not really. He loved the man before him. Steve was his person. His whole life.

But he was falling apart and couldn’t take his Stevie down with him.

It was sophomore year and everything had been going on so well. Until it hadn’t.

Steve’s the-one-that-got-away, his almost, Peggy Carter, attended the same university they did. They’d known  each other before Bucky ever was in the picture. They’d grown up together and done everything together. And then Peggy moved to England when they were 16. Steve had been crushed since they never really got a chance to be together.  He knew that because he’d been pining after Steve since he was 13.

They’d just moved to Brooklyn and Bucky could have sworn that it was love at first sight. Steve had noticed him on the first day, looking lost and had elected to be his friend. And they had become really good friends, almost inseparable. But of course he knew he came second to Peggy always. And he’d been okay with that. He had resigned to the fact that he would always just be Steve’s friend.

Until he wasn’t. 

A year after Peggy had left, they’d been hanging out on Steve’s bed, high as kites, and Steve had kissed him. He couldn’t find it to be excited at first. Because he had been okay. He had. And it was so unexpected. And…. Steve had pulled away quickly, apologizing when Bucky hadn’t responded. Bucky hadn’t known what to do. They’d fallen asleep at some point, tension and awkward silence settling between them. 

The next morning, Steve had apologized, blaming it on the weed. Bucky had been quiet for a while, before saying, “I can’t be your rebound, Steve. I can’t be Peggy.” 

Steve had smiled sadly and shook his head. “I don’t want you to be Peggy. I’m not rebounding.” To prove it, Steve suggested they take it as slow as possible. To ease Bucky’s fears. And it had worked out well. Magic. Bucky wasn’t sure he’d ever love anyone the way he loved Steve. Steve was it for him.

But two years later, Peggy had come back and she had enrolled at their university. And Bucky knew that Steve loved him. But Steve also loved Peggy. And Peggy had come before Bucky. Peggy was perfect for Steve. And yes, Bucky had thought of the possibility of polyamory, if it would make Steve happy. The thing was, Bucky didn’t know if he could handle Steve being with Peggy. 

He didn’t hate her. Quite the contrary. Bucky loved Peggy like a sister, looked up  to her even sometimes. How she had her shit together, with her red lips and perfect hair, curled and styled neatly. And Peggy could give Steve a future. And no matter how progressive society had become, Peggy was a woman and still more socially acceptable than him and Steve.

Bucky knew that a lot of these were just his insecurities talking. But they weren’t unfounded. They weren’t baseless.

“I don’t want to be with Peggy! I want to be with you!” Steve said, almost pleadingly.

Bucky smiled, sadly. “You’re still in love with her, Steve.” He wasn’t asking. And Steve looked away at that. And it still hurt when it was confirmed even if he had been sure. The thing is, Bucky knew Steve was in love with him, too.

But Peggy had come back and all the thoughts he had had when Peggy had been around in High School all came back. That and his father had just all but disowned him because he’d found out that his only son was gay a few days before. 

He hadn’t told Steve. Steve knew his father was a homophobic asshole and a drunk, but he didn’t know that someone  had outed Bucky to his father. Or that Bucky’s mother cried but said nothing when Bucky was packing his clothes while his father screamed at her for “allowing” Bucky to become that way. His mother was okay, except, she was just… weak. He didn’t mean it with any offense. It’s just that she depended on his father for everything, never spoke up for herself, looked away when his father was being flirty with a woman as she stood there, and never said anything when he was being an asshole towards Bucky. Becca had been in school when he was leaving. He left her a note, telling her how much he loved her and would try and get in touch. She’d known, of course she had. After Steve, Becca was his best friend. His confidante. As far as he knew, she was the only real family he had left. Steve too, except for how he was breaking up with him.

He didn’t have a home, or a way to continue with university now. His father had been a piece of shit, but he’d been paying for his hostel, and part of his fees. He’d been paying for everything. And now that he’d been cut off, Bucky had nothing really. And he wouldn’t burden Steve with this. Steve already had enough, with how his mother was in the hospital, her cancer back after it had been in remission for years.

He couldn’t continue with university, meaning he’d have to get a job soon, and a place to stay. He wasn’t stupid. This was reality. Peggy was the one Steve was destined to be with. Peggy would make Steve happy. Peggy would be there for Steve. Peggy was stable. Peggy was smart and they’d be the perfect power couple. It was for the best. It would damn near kill him, but it was the best thing to do for Steve.

“Bucky, I love you, you stupid idiot. But I won’t talk to you like this. I’ll come back on Monday, and we’ll talk about this properly, okay? Please?” Steve wiped the tears that had escaped onto his cheeks. He was going to back home to see his mother over the weekend. Bucky would be gone by Sunday. Sniffling, he went to turn but Bucky caught him by the elbow, unable to resist one last kiss. Steve allowed it, even if Bucky knew he was half angry at him.

“I love you too Stevie, so much. Always. Never forget that.” He pressed his forehead to Steve’s for a few seconds, before he pulled away. “Say hi to Sarah for me?” 

Steve looked at him for a second, confusion on his face before he shook his head. “Monday, you punk.” And then he was gone. God, he was going to miss that stubborn jerk.

Bucky allowed himself to fall apart ten minutes later, when he knew Steve wouldn’t be back. Fortunately, his roommates were not home. He cried for Steve, for their love, and for himself. For something he could never have.  Later, he went to his room and packed Steve’s things in a box; stuff Steve had whenever he came over. A small sketchbook, some pencils, some clothes he left to change into whenever he slept over, plus one of Steve’s favorite Bucky sweatshirt. He taped the box, a little note at the top of everything.  _ I’m sorry. I love you forever. _

He’d drop it on Sunday when he left. Left NYU, left Brooklyn, left his heart.

Steve would probably never forgive him. But he hoped that he would be happy. That would be enough for Bucky.

  
  


*******

When it rains, it pours. And for Bucky, he never knew how such a statement could apply to his life so accurately until it did.

Over the past six years, Bucky had lost his family, lost the love of his life, lost his home, lost his mind, and his left arm. It was, to put it simply, the worst six years of his life. He must have wronged a deity somewhere, or more than one, really. He believed this because he knew there were some people who lived their lives going through only a small fraction of what he’d been through in just six years.

Yet, Bucky was still grateful.  The last year hadn’t been that bad. And through those six years, he’d had good things, too. He’d joined the army and found a family with his squadron, despite losing a third of them, alongside his arm. He’d reconnected with his sister. He’d met Natasha Romanov, someone he was pretty sure he’d die for. He’d met her through Clint Barton, one of the guys he’d served with. Nat and Clint had been together for sometime, and had all but adopted Bucky. He had moved in with them to DC when he was discharged, and now they were his roommates.  He had an online job that got him some good money and allowed him to save and buy a few nice things for himself and his sister and his friends, while his pension paid his rent.

His mother sometimes wrote him letters, and while she was still with his father, Bucky knew she was trying. So yeah, he was also grateful about that. 

There were days, of course, when it was hard to find anything to be grateful about. Days where he’d wake up and not leave his bed. But that’s just how his life was now. And he accepted it for what it was and hoped for a better tomorrow. He had five journals full of things he was grateful for and two where he’d spill all the dark thoughts that occupied his mind. That to Bucky, was a reminder of all the reasons why he should stay alive. Five out of two was pretty good.

He still thought of Steve. His heart ached when he remembered the stubborn jerk and even if he’d regretted his decision for a while, he still stood by his belief especially when it had been proved right. 

A year after he’d left NYU and joined the army, he’d succumbed to temptation and checked Steve’s Facebook. He’d not been active, but he’d been tagged in a few pictures by friends, and a few by Peggy, some of which they’d been holding hands and leaning against each other and  one when they were kissing during graduation. 

Steve looked happy. And it killed him, but a little sadist part of him was glad he was right.  It wouldn’t have worked between them. 

Bucky had dated a bit, and had had a semi serious relationship with a guy called Brock Rumlow. But it had been more of a companionship than anything. They’d both served at different times, but had both been scarred by the war, so they understood each other. Brock was mostly quiet, sometimes aggressive, and rarely happy. But they’d both tried. Tried to make each other happy. Tried to be there for each other. Tried to act like a normal couple. The only thing that had probably worked out well was the sex. But even that hadn’t been enough; Brock stepped out on Bucky sometimes, and the fact that Bucky hadn’t been really bothered by it forced him to realize that it wasn’t doing him any good. They were both recovering and trying to be something other than soldiers. They’d parted on amicable terms. Kind of anyway. Bucky hadn’t seen or talked to him since a year ago, when they’d broken up.

So yeah, life was going okay now, compared to the last six years and Bucky was somewhere between okay and happy. It wasn’t perfect, but it was his and he was taking each day at a time. 

He sometimes went to the VA when he was particularly overwhelmed. He especially liked Sam Wilson, who counselled there, and met his partner Riley. They were nice people and Bucky thought he could count them as his friend, too. A guy at the VA, Wade, would wave at him sometimes, his baseball cap low on his head doing little to cover the burns all over his face and hands. Other times Wade would talk to him if he was having a good day. Wade had some dark humor but Bucky thought he could also count him as a friend. 

Sometimes, Bucky would walk to the park with a book or his iPod and sit on a bench for hours, occasionally watching people go about their lives, wondering what each person’s life looked like. What their favorite food was; if they hated their job; if they had a secret life; their greatest fantasies… It was a sort of hobby, something Bucky did to try and assimilate into civilian life.

He went to the movies sometimes. Nat and Clint would tag a long sometimes. He sometimes had lunch with Becca. Sometimes he’d sit alone in a corner of a cafe with his laptop and music and have lunch by himself. Slowly but surely, he was recovering. Normalcy was within reach.

Today, was one of the days Bucky didn’t want to get out of bed. But he’d already had two of those days the day before, and the one before. That and he’d made an appointment to meet Sam. Also, Nat had all but dragged him out of bed for breakfast so he figured he  might as well just go down to the VA to see if it would help. He didn’t talk like most days, but he sat and listened, and talked a little bit with Wade on his way out. Wade’s girlfriend Vanessa was waiting out on the steps and she waved at him before they walked away, hand in hand. Despite the tiny bit of envy he felt, Bucky was really happy that Wade had someone like Vanessa. In a way, they complimented each other well.

“Bucky!” He turned to see Sam coming down the steps to greet him with a hug. “You okay there pal?”

“Hey, Sam. It’s been had this week but we coping.”

Sam looked at him proudly. “Yes we are. You headed home?” 

Bucky nodded. “Yep. You?”

“I’m meeting up with some friends and Riley. They are in town for a bit and I wanted to have this little engagement celebration ... Wanna come?”

Bucky wanted to say yes, but he wasn’t really up for interaction today. (Especially a goddamn engagement celebration of strangers). He told Sam he wasn’t up for it, apologetic.

“No problem. Don’t sweat it. We’ll have to get lunch with Riley soon though, yeah? Catch up.”

Bucky smiled. “That would be nice. That reminds me, I wanted to tell you that I, uh, I was thinking of taking online classes, a diploma or something. Don’t know what yet.” Despite not finishing uni, Bucky loved reading and acquiring knowledge.

“Yeah? That’s great! Tell me how that goes?” Sam said, giving Bucky’s right arm a light punch. He hadn’t gotten around getting a prosthetic [despite the great developments on prosthetics by Tony Stark lately] so his left sleeve was almost always pinned neatly. 

“Sam!”

Sam brightened as he looked past Bucky. “Ah here’s my friend. Come meet him at least.”

Bucky nodded, a little  nervous at meeting new people. He turned to greet Sam’s friend and froze when he saw who was heading towards them. Bucky probably would have run away if the two hadn’t also noticed him.

“Steve! Peggs! Hey! This is--”

“Bucky?!”

Steve had frozen in his steps, too, shock written all over his face.  He looked Bucky over, eyes lingering on his empty left sleeve before coming back to his face. Peggy was studying him too, her face giving away nothing, except the slight smile on her face. “Hey Bucky.”

Shit.

“Oh wow! Y’all know Bucky?” That was Sam, who sounded confused.

Steve answered for them after a beat. “This… uh… Bucky and I .. used to…” Steve exhaled. Disbelief written on his face. Sadness too. He looked good though. Really good. Gained a bit of muscle and dressed in a way that showed it. Peggy of course, looked perfect as always. But Bucky had eyes for Steve only.

Sam raised his eyebrows comprehending. “Damn.”

Bucky cleared his throat, feeling like he couldn’t get enough air into his lungs, feeling like he needed to  _ get the hell  _ out of there. “N-nice to see you again, Steve. Peggy, you too. Sam.” And then he was speed walking away, in no particular direction.

  


*********

When he got home, Nat and Clint were snuggled on the couch eating pizza, probably watching  _ MindHunter  _ on Netflix. Bucky sprawled on top of both of them, throwing his hand over his face and groaned loudly.

“Wow,” Clint said, as he reached for the remote and pressed pause. “What happened to you?”

Bucky exhaled loudly before staring at them. “Steve.”

Then  remembered that Sam had said it was an engagement celebration. “Oh my God,” he whispered. God, it hurt to be right. It hurt so bad. 

He didn’t realize he was crying until Nat was snuggling his head, running her fingers through his hair, with Clint rubbing circles on his back. He’d told them, of course, about Steve. About Peggy. Natasha hadn’t said it implicitly, but she did imply that he had been an idiot. He told them now, how he’d been with Sam, and what Sam said about an engagement party, and how Steve looked like a dream and Peggy...

“They’re getting married,” he said, when the tears had subsided. “I knew … it would happen. But… damn.  _ Fuck  _ it hurts.”

Clint stood and walked to the kitchen, coming back with a bottle of their good whiskey and three cups and pouring whiskey in each.

Nat squeezed him to her chest and kissed his forehead before taking a cup from Clint, and handing it to him. “Here. Today, we drink and grieve. And then we move on for real now.”

Bucky sat up and took the cup, downing the shot in one gulp, grimacing as he swallowed. She was right of course. It was time. He wasn’t sure he would be able to move on completely. But he would try his damndest. 

There was just a tiny problem, that manifested the next morning as he was nursing his hangover. Two texts awaited him when he picked his phone up as soon as he felt better. One from an unknown number and a later one from Sam.

_ Unknown: Hey Bucky? Uh this is Steve. I’m sorry but I stole your number from Sam’s phone. Can we meet and… talk? _

_ Sam VA: Steve the idiot stole your number from my phone. I wouldn’t give away your number to anyone man. Not even him. _

Bucky sighed, put his phone down, and rubbed at his eyes.

The only reason Sam had his number, was because Sam had been the one to find him and suggest the VA at a particularly bad time. He’d been standing on the bridge… and Sam had been running at the butt crack of dawn… And he’d given Bucky his number  in case he ever wanted to talk to someone. And Bucky had called him a few times before taking the VA route, even if sometimes he just called Sam anyway.

He needed to meet Steve if he wanted to move on well, closure and all that… and just to see him one last time and remember he did the right thing.

  


**********

Steve waved at him from where he’d sat, a corner booth. There weren’t a lot of people at that particular time, most people either working or going about their business.

“Hi,” Steve said, almost shyly, when Bucky got to the table. Steve was drinking coffee, dark, with a bagel by his side.

Bucky tried for a smile as he sat. “Hey.”

Steve looked good. He was wearing a similar outfit as the day before; a fitting t-shirt and dark jeans, as well as a leather jacket.

“I uh-- will you-- what can I get you?”

Bucky cleared his throat. “Just coffee… thanks.”

Steve smiled. “Get a bagel. I’ve already had two of them.”

“Sure.”

“So… How are you? How have you been?” Steve asked, sipping his coffee, and Bucky realized Steve was just as nervous as he was. 

“Ah,  well. I'm okay I guess.” No he wasn't. But he didn't want to open  _ that _ can of worms, thank you very much. “You?”

Steve nodded and smiled. “Yeah. Good. I uh, yeah. Sold my first painting last week. That was amazing. Got a few press and commissions.”

Bucky gave Steve a real smile, with teeth and everything. “Wow Steve! That's so awesome! I told you the world would recognize your brilliance.”

Steve looked down at his mug and smiled. “Yeah. You did.”

The silence settled over them, awkward. Each wanting to say something but not knowing how to. At least Bucky didn't. 

“When you, uh,  left… I went by your house to see if you'd gone back home.” Steve said after Bucky's order had come. Bucky lowered his cup slowly, looking at Steve. “I met Becca in the driveway. And she told me what happened.”

Steve lifted his head to meet Bucky's eye. Bucky saw the hurt in Steve's eyes. “Why didn't you tell me?”

Bucky cleared his throat and looked down at his bagel. “You had a lot on your plate--” Steve interrupted him, his voice tinged with a bit of anger and hurt. 

“See the thing  _ is  _ Bucky, I thought I was your friend above all else. And to find out that you --”

“What would you have done?” Bucky interrupted him softly, still looking down. 

Steve sighed and from the corner of his eye, Bucky saw him turn and look out of the window. After a minute or two, he replied, his voice soft. “Been there for you. The way you had been for me.” Before Bucky could say anything to that, Steve stopped him with a hand, his voice still soft. “And I understand, okay? Hell, I waited until the very last minute… until my ma had to be admitted to tell you the cancer was back. I get it. But it doesn't hurt any less.”

Bucky nodded, his throat tight with emotion. Buying time to compose himself, he sipped his coffee and cleared his throat. 

“Your ma okay now?” Bucky had been wondering about it but Becca had said she was fine, still in touch with the Rogers’ family. 

Steve chuckled. “She's great. Ran a half marathon last month!” He sighed, his smile fading a little bit. “Hopefully it doesn't come back for good.”

Bucky smiled. “If she's half as stubborn as you are, which I bet she is since she's your mother, she's not going anywhere anytime soon.”

Steve shook his head and looked down, trying to hide the emotion in his eyes but Bucky saw it anyway. “Thanks Buck. That… that means a lot.”

The silence was not so awkward after that. Each was lost to their own thoughts as they took their coffee and ate their respective bagels.

“So the army?” 

Bucky looked away from the window to Steve who was fiddling with his napkin. “Uh yeah. 5 years. Been home for one year… because of...” He lifted his left shoulder. Steve looked at the empty sleeve before looking up at Bucky. There was overwhelming sadness in his eyes that made Bucky clear his throat twice before continuing. “Our truck exploded, I got caught under it. Was a while before we got any help and it was either saw it off or bleed out? Anyway.. Yeah.”

Steve blinked fast, as if trying not to cry. He coughed once before he said, “Must have sucked.” 

Bucky laughed at that, surprised really, because that was not what he was expecting Steve to say. “You have no idea, pal!”

The silence between them returned, the hush conversations in the cafe as well as the city rhythm being heard. 

Bucky studied Steve as Steve looked outside. He looked a bit older as expected, but he was still the same Steve Bucky had fallen in love with almost ten years ago. But he needed to let go of him now. He needed to. Which meant that he couldn't let this conversation drag on. He needed to be done with it. Like ripping off a band-aid. 

“So… Uh… I hear congratulations are in order?” Bucky began. Steve looked at him, confused with a little smile on his face. “Congratulations for what?”

Bucky gave Steve a confused look back. “Uh the engagement? I heard Sam saying -- you and Peggy...” He trailed off when he saw the surprise on Steve's face. Then Steve laughed. Which made Bucky confused and … hurt? But why would he be feeling hurt? Why was Steve still laughing? It really wasn't funny. 

“Fuck, sorry… no. It's not funny.” Steve said when he saw Bucky's face which must have been showing everything he was feeling. Damn. Steve composed himself. “Sorry.. That was a little.. Hysterical. I guess it was an easy conclusion to come to… but uh… I'm not.. Peggy and I… we're not engaged. Peggs is engaged to Angie. They’ve been together for about 4 years now.”

Bucky didn't know how to react to that. He'd believed that Steve was engaged three seconds ago… and now Steve was telling him that… What? 

“Oh.” Very eloquent. 

Steve shook his head, his smile fading as he looked outside the window. He inhaled deeply before releasing it, as if he was bracing himself for… something. Bucky was nervous all over again when Steve turned to look at him. 

“When… Peggy left in high school… I was crushed of course. I… I had always thought about her and then future and what it would be like. I never saw anyone else. Before she left, she told me that… we should try dating other people… that she didn't want me to wait and vice versa. That all we ever knew was each other, how sure were we that we could work anyway. That maybe we could be missing out on other people who we could love more fiercely…  It broke me up of course. You saw it.” Bucky nodded. 

“When I… uh … when she had gone to England… and I'd kinda accepted things… that's when I… I saw you Bucky. Really saw you. And…” Steve trailed off. He ran hand through his hair, pulling a little at the roots. 

“I'm sorry.” Bucky didn't expect that at all. What was Steve sorry for? “When you said.. That night you broke up with m--you said I was still in love with Peggy. And I didn't say anything… because in a way I thought I was.” He looked at the table and continued. “I want you to know… I loved you. I did. I -- Peggy coming back didn't change that. I had probably still been holding on to the dream of her and I subconsciously but I swear I didn't mean to. And… I'm sorry I never reassured you. I knew it was something that… you always.. You thought of… it's something you brought up when we started.”

Bucky watched Steve's hands. “It wasn't your fault. I was the insecure one. I did not… I didn't let you love me completely.”

Steve looked up at that and nodded. “Why?”

Bucky shrugged. “I…  I was… I knew I was gay way before we moved to Brooklyn… but knowing and accepting versus loving myself… two different things. I still struggled a lot with internalized homophobia and… my dad… the biggest homophobe.. Before he knew about me.. He'd say things.. And they'd get to me. I told you about it, right?” 

Steve nodded. “Yeah… why didn't you tell me that you… the internalized homophobia?”

Bucky sighed. “I was a big idiot who thought I could get over it by myself. With how I grew up.. It wasn't easy asking for help.” Despite them being friends since he was 13, Bucky kept most of himself hidden from people, including Steve. He'd give in sometimes and talk about things, but he wouldn't let himself ever rely on anyone or burden anyone. He told Steve as much. “It's why I left for the army. I couldn't let you start worrying about me. I was about to be homeless and you were still worrying about paying your ma's hospital bills. And then Peggy was back and I'd just been disowned for being a big gay… it was too much. And… I'm sorry. I… should have said something maybe… should have approached it differently… ended things better… But I couldn't bring you down with me.”

Steve looked like he really disagreed with that but he kept quiet. 

“Peggy and I.. We dated for a while after she came back.” 

Bucky almost laughed. He'd gone from thinking it would be best if Steve dated Peggy, to thinking they were engaged, to knowing they weren't, and back to knowing that they had indeed dated. 

“It was terrible. We… it couldn't happen. She'd met and fallen in love with Angie back in England. But Angie had been in a relationship with someone else then and it was all so complicated. So Peggy moved back and we tried… tried to see if maybe she'd been wrong… But she was right. We fought so much. And we were both trying to get over other people. And we'd moved on from each other. What was left was almost like sibling love for each other. Angie came to Peggy a year after that… just her and her suitcase.” Steve looked past Bucky as he smiled fondly at a memory.

_ Huh.  _ Bucky thought.  _ So much for being sure Steve would be happy with Peggy.  _

He sighed and looked at Bucky. “I won't lie…  I hated you for a while. And I still don't like the way you did it.. But I understand.” He lifted a hand and scratched the back of his neck. “Faced with all that you had… I understand.”

They were quiet after that. Bucky felt a bit lighter, even though he was still aching inside. They'd said it all.. Almost all. 

This was closure. He inhaled deeply before letting it go, literally and emotionally. 

Steve stood, and Bucky stood, too. “It was good seeing you Bucky. Despite everything… I'm glad you're alive.” There were tears in his eyes but the smile was genuine as Steve hugged him. Bucky hugged him back, trying to commit it all to memory. He realized then that he still loved the man, that  he probably never stopped. It tore him to pieces to let go. But he smiled and placed a kiss on Steve's forehead before he stepped back completely. 

“Goodbye, Steve.”

“Bye Buck.”

Because he thought he was two seconds from crying, Bucky walked away, sparing one last glance  one last smile and Steve who was still standing, watching him-- before stepping out of the cafe and walking home. 

For the first time in a long time, Bucky had hope for the future. Hope that maybe he could be happy. Even if he never found another love…  he had Natasha and Clint who might as well be his adoptive parents. He had Becca. He had Sam. He had Wade. 

Maybe, he'd get a dog. Sam had suggested a dog, and even though Natasha wouldn't be pleased (Clint will be ecstatic) she'd grow to love it. 

Bucky would be okay. Bucky would find his way to happiness somehow. He hoped Steve would too. 

  


*********

Bucky wasn't lying when he had thought all that. He really had been hopeful.

He was getting a dog. 

But Bucky needed to do know that he had done all he could. That he wasn't an idiot for letting Steve go a second time when he'd been so wrong the first time. 

He wouldn't be repeating the same mistake twice… 

He'd changed. Kinda. He talked more, proven by how he fell apart in Nat’s arms last night,  or how he called Sam almost in the middle of the night to talk about nightmares. 

He retraced his steps back to the cafe, hope in his heart. Except Steve wasn't there anymore. He'd left. Fuck. He'd been too late. He could call, except… maybe this was a sign. Dejected, and trying to regain his train of thought before he'd thought of going back to declare his love to Steve, Bucky started going back home again. Clint would love their dog. Natasha would pretend not to, but she'd be won over. He'd be okay without Steve. He would. 

But Steve was calling his name as he rounded the corner from the cafe. He turned and saw Steve running toward him and he wasn't slowing down until he stopped a few inches from Bucky. A smile forming on his lips, tears falling from his eyes. 

“I'm so stupid for letting you walk away. But I thought I... maybe this was supposed to be it, you know? But I was across the street at the antique shop, getting something for Pegg and Angie … and I saw you… and… fuck. Bucky… I don't want to get my hopes up here, but I'd like to think you came back for me. For us. And if you were then… I can meet you halfway. We can… can we start over please? I really think you're it for me, Buck. I really hope you were coming back for me--”

Bucky decided to save Steve from his monologue by cupping his cheek and pressing a firm but chaste kiss on Steve's lips before pulling him into a hug. 

“I'm not sure if I'm better than before… I have bad days and sometimes I scream at night because I can still hear them saw my arm off. I come prepackaged with two of the craziest people you'll ever meet… but I love you Steve. I do. And I'm not the same idiot although  I'll make some idiotic mistakes…but I'm done running from you.”

Steve pulled away a little, still crying but smiling all the same. “Long as you let me love you back, I think we can get this right this time.”

Bucky agreed. As he wrapped his arm around his best guy's shoulders and pulled him close, taking him home to meet Nat and Clint, Bucky couldn't help but think of how he'd left Steve and walked the long road only to find himself right back to where he started. Like taking the long way home. Bucky was really glad Steve was still there waiting for him. 

  


**End**

  
  


* * *

  


**Author's Note:**

> This is loosely based around my love life except that it didn't work out.. So you know. No Steve for me.


End file.
